Would you believe it if I told you that I have just backed off from an opportunity to move to Australia for a year ?
can't believe it myself - but I guess this shows that no matter how
desperately I want to leave Finland, I have learned something about consequences. This opportunity looked and sounded perfect in theory, but
unfortunately there were some major risks involved -- such as facing
serious trouble at the immigration on arrival, even possible immediate
return to Finland...plus my own personal nightmare, which would be to
return to Finland, either right away or even after one year, completely
against my own desire...and having to start again here with nothing,
from zero. I would obviously have to give away my apartment, and as I
don't have any money for storage and such, I would have to also sell
and/or give away all my worldly possessions. I really do not care at all about material possessions and would gladly give away the clothes off my back for a life in Australia - but not if there's even a 2% danger that my move would be temporary and I'd find myself back in Helsinki, sooner or later, without a place to go.
It's ironic in a
way; I'm so independent and ready to go, and I hardly ever miss having
relatives or family members present in my every day life -- but in
instances like this, when it would be so much easier to leave if I'd
know I would have a safety net to return to...the fact is I have none,
and so, this time I am not prepared or emotionally strong enough to do
the whole "buy one fork per month" home making again should I've had to
return to Finland after getting settled in Australia. And
still...Australia, goddamit ! The Universe sure has a sick sense of humor,
I'll tell ya that.
This doesn't mean I'm giving up on my dream to
leave Finland, oh no ! I've just come to realize that even if I am in
theory ready and willing to work as a nanny or a housekeeper, it would
have to be in a country where I can legally remain for years -- and
thus, find "real" work after a while, or straight away when crossing
that border. I have no idea why my urge is to live in countries where
the immigration is so tough: USA, Australia, New Zealand, Canada. I
also am/was interested in working and living in Switzerland...but guess
what ? They have now imposed major limits for workers coming from
European countries as well -- just a couple of months ago ! Unbelievable.
said all this, I have sent several job applications out this week
again, and the majority of them abroad. I can't give up, I won't give up, it's who I am. These boots are made for walking.
I am, however, leaving Planet Zella today. I feel this blog has seen and heard enough about
my sometimes aimless wanderlust and failed attempts to go here and
there...and in my current life there just aren't enough exciting or
interesting things going on to write about. I don't enjoy this so called
ordinary life, so my blog posts are likely to get more and more bitter
if I indeed end up staying in Finland. Also, some time away
from blogging might bring about new ideas to write about. I do enjoy
writing and think that I will return to blogging one way or another,
sooner or later. I will, in that case, come and link my new blog address
here on PZ for those who might still want to read my ramblings.
I am so grateful to
everyone who has ever found their way to these pages - thank you so
much ! I wish you all well, and even though I'm not blogging myself
anymore, I will keep on logging in and reading all the tens and tens of
amazing blogs I follow.
My operation on Tuesday went well, and despite of slight discomfort and the occasional rise in temperature I'm doing fine. Time will tell whether or not this operation improved my overall hellish period, but if it turns out it didn't, I got the impression that I'll be accepted as a potential candidate for a complete hysterectomy - which, to be honest, I would've wanted to have now already...but in Finland you have to fight tooth and nail to get it, even when it is evident you're no longer planning (or able) to get pregnant. So frustrating ! In other news: I'm still talking with my "faraway family" about the possibility of me moving abroad for one year....and quite surprisingly things do not seem so gloomy after all. I would even go as far as to say that this opportunity now appears more possible than impossible...but I've still got a few hurdles to get through before I can say it's all systems go. Super nervous and excited and terrified - that'd be me right now. Did I really promise not to stress about anything just six days ago ? Hmm... With that - toodles and enjoy the week ahead !
feel gratitude and faith in the Universe. I feel like I'm just
going to surrender all my current dilemmas and worries, just release
them out to the sky like those beautiful Chinese lanterns and watch them
become smaller and smaller until they disappear completely.
not try and feel this way every day of the year ? Okay, maybe it's a tad unrealistic to say every day of the year...but, ya know, just make a more of an effort...
It is so clearly just
a decision that I am able to make instead of dwelling in what ifs and
fears of things not going the right way. Maybe from here on, on my 47th
year on this Earth, I will just....let it go. I'm not the most stressing
or dwelling type to begin with - but I do tend to go into these periods of super worrying, even if it's just for a day or two, and that's never constructive nor does it really make any difference on the outcome of whatever I worry about...so why not
really make an effort to become more mindful and chilled and present this year. Hey, effort is better than no effort ! I know the sky lanterns are not good for the nature...but aren't they beautiful to watch ?
sure it's partly because of the oh so lovely hormonal roller coaster
I'm on (post-period seems to be bad these days too), but mostly I believe
it is because I so badly want to leave Finland and it seems I just can't find a way to do it.
Honestly, right now, I hate Finland and I feel completely caged in here.
year I got my hopes up about a possibility to move to Dubai - I felt
happier than I had felt in ages whilst planning my move and waiting for
more information...but that opportunity, as it turned out, was not a
realistic one after all, and it crashed and burned before it really even
took off. This year, during these past couple of weeks, I have been in
talks with a family far, far away about the possibility of me moving to
live with them as a helper. I feel like I've gotten to know this family
already via e-mails and video clips - and the whole scenario just feels
so right somehow; I believe we would be a perfect fit, and for me, a
person living with no family ties, it feels even more tempting and
wonderful to imagine what my life could be like if I could make this
move....But, alas, it now seems that this alternative is impossible too
because of Visa restrictions. I could, of course, just pick up and
leave, give away my rental apartment and sell my stuff - but there's a
significant risk of being denied access at the border of this foreign country....so am I willing to take that chance ? What would my plan B be in that case ?
is somewhat startling to notice though how I instantly cheer up when I
make these plans - versus the possible scenario that I would actually
land a normal nine-to-five job here in Finland. The thought of going
back to that usual rat race makes me feel really, really down -- even
though I realize I couldn't turn down a job if I was offered one... It
just feels like alright, back to square one, life change failed big time
-- and with that comes the fear that this was my last chance to change
my life into something more meaningful and more enjoyable....that if I miss this chance now, I will be forever chained to a desk here in Finland and might as well lay down and wait to die.
is not the absolute truth though, is it. I found the below photo on
LinkedIn today....and it was a nice reminder of people who accomplished
life changing ideas and opportunities when they were well into their
fifties and even sixties. One should never think that it is too late to
change your life...I just have a hard time believing this personally as I
feel I want to change my life NOW in order to have many decades to enjoy that new life too.
this in mind I've just sent an application to Nurse School here in
Helsinki. Heck, it might be that I won't even be accepted, but that's up
to fate then. Nurses always have work, and nurses are needed around the
world... If I become a nurse at 50 (the studies last 3,5 years if I'd
be accepted - and part of those studies and traineeships could be done
abroad), I'd still have 10-15 years of working life ahead of me -- and I
could possibly find legal ways to work abroad. Just an option to
consider if none of my current wild plans come alive eh !
Hope your weekend is lovely and you feel content with where you are.
You could say I'm living like this at the moment, and even though it can make me feel frustrated at times, there is also a certain freedom and excitement in it. Not knowing what will be, just waiting to see which baits will bite.
Also, incredibly good news about my operative hysteroscopy: while I had to cancel my operation for tomorrow, I was given a new appointment for next Tuesday ! Yay, I can't believe I'm having this done after being in the queue for nearly four months -- not to mention the pain and nuisance of the past year and a half. Truly hoping that the operation will take away my troubles. I was so sick again yesterday and the day before that the thought of going pain free in the future sounds like magic !
I caved in with Facebook and logged in. I did,
however, stay away for a full month so I guess that's something
considering my 3D social network is pretty much non-existing. I don't
know if I gained anything by taking this break, it doesn't feel like
that anyway - it's been just zero less communication with people for me during the last month.
has been the warmest in 50 years here in Southern Finland...earlier this
week the temps were in lower 50's (+13C) with no snow and the sea free
of ice....Saturday morning we woke up to a blanket of snow, and apparently there's more to come in the next few days ! Charming !
I love Sundays and Mondays these days. When I was working, I had severe
"Sunday-angst" and often felt crushed on Mondays...but now I love
Sundays in a bizarre twist of expecting the Monday that follows....but
it is not because I have no work, it is because I fully expect something
to come up during the week (like, an invitation to a job interview)
that starts with Monday.... I don't know if this makes sense in the way
I'm describing it though. Anyway, nothing really comes up during the
week, it seems, so I guess it doesn't really matter to me what day it
Yet another family has contacted me with interest to hire
me as their nanny; this time from Canada. I wish the world had
more open borders for those who would have a willing employer --- it
seems the countries I would love to work in all have strict restrictions
for who is eligible for Visa and who isn't. Hey, Powers To Be: the
Earth is our mutual playground, why not relax the system a little bit !
MH370, anyone ? How freaky is the disappearence of that plane ? Like where can you possibly land a Boeing 777 and not have the whole country wake up ? And yeah, I realize it is kind of ironic I mention this plane right after hoping for open borders globally, haha !
I want to chop my hair off and put highlights in it. I haven't been
able to go to a hairdresser's now for 7-8 months and my hair is getting
waaaay too long. Like I don't think it's a good look for a 40+ chick to
have your hair reaching your bum, eh. Well, I'm not there yet but it's
soon down to my mid-back and I could do with shoulder-length. Luckily a
friend as promised to grab the scissors next time we see each other --
unless of course I'll just do it before that myself.
I don't know where my exercise-mojo is. Anyone seen it ??
I got a call from the hospital on Friday. I'm in a queue for a minor surgery, have been since early December (that's public health care for you). I won't go into graphic, bloody details, but lets just say Aunty Flo visits me twice a month these days and last month the bitch stayed for nearly three weeks - so they have decided to cut out some benign polyps or whatever they are called. The call on Friday was to inquire whether I was able to accept a surgery date (someone else's cancelled appointment) for next Wednesday....and I said YES PLEASE, but guess who is now visiting, two days late and so quite likely making it impossible to operate on me come Wednesday. Yeah, Aunty Flo, with all her mighty..and then some. I guess I'll wait another four months for the next available surgery appointment.
I've had more and more of those moments of despair when it comes to
finding a job. This is only natural, of course, when one has been
unemployed for over a year now....and as I wrote in my previous post
about this issue HERE, I've been trying to venture outside of my comfort
zone and keep my eyes more open for completely new paths.
basically decided to believe that whatever may come my way, I will
embrace and welcome with open arms - even if it scares me to death and
might turn my life upside down once again.
This week I've been
approached by two families about possible nanny-jobs abroad. I know --
OMG, eeeek !! One family is in Europe, the other one on the other side
of the world. We've only just started talking, so nothing has been
decided and even suggested at this point. I'm far too familiar with how
people can just disappear online - so I'm not writing about this to say
anything concrete is actually happening.....but just to make a point of
how different paths really can appear if you open your mind. I
guess it'll only take the right moment and the right kind of connection
for stuff like this to come alive.
Where I am now: a few job applications pending...and the idea of nannying abroad becoming a stronger option than before in that I'm actually now seriously considering it, should I find a good match.
It is 16 years today since the day my mother committed suicide.
that sentence, reading it again - turning it around, tasting it,
feeling it..... it all seems surreal somehow at this point. The same as
with my brother's suicide, these tragedies at some point just become
part of who you are - always there in the background, popping up at
unexpected moments, appearing in many different emotions - but not
affecting your everyday life anymore, not glued to your conscious
existence twenty-four hours a day.
I would say love and
forgiveness prevail after some time has passed, and I am grateful for
this. The memories are good in most part, and those hysterical crying
fits become lesser and fewer in between - although when they do come, it
is quite surprising how all encompassing they can be after all this
time. You move on though; quicker than in the early days - you don't
dwell anymore. One could say it is comical even, how you may find
yourself in the midst of a tear filled emotional storm one moment, and
the next thing you know you've sneezed in your napkin and are making
coffee in the kitchen, planning on your afternoon walk. The moment has passed.
And life goes on.
Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep - Mary Elizabeth Frye (adaptation)
And with March came some horrid weather, yuk ! It has been snowing for
two days and the skies are gray - where did you go, spring, it all
seemed so lovely on Saturday !
As I mentioned earlier, my theme
for March is Mind & Body. Mind = meditation, and Body = getting back
on my exercise routine.
In practice this means that I will
resume my 5-6 days a week workouts, ideally doing 3 x gym, 3 x runs, 5 x
yoga and/or stretching each week --- and because I walk to my gym and
back, that'll add 6 x 20 minute walks per week. One or two days rest
depending on how I feel, and if I'm exhausted at any point (this can
happen in the beginning when I start from scratch), I can substitute one
workout day with a walk of 1+ hour. Sometimes I suffer from insomnia,
and that brings a twist into my plans on occasion too; if you are
familiar with poor sleep, you know how terrible the following day can be
after you've stayed awake much of the previous night. A walk in the
fresh air might be okay, even an easy jog...but personally, I have no
strength for gym or long runs on days like those. Today is a good
example; last night I thought I'd be proactive and actually took a
sleeping aid around 10:30pm so that I could get up really early for gym.
Went straight to bed, was knocked out within 30-40 minutes.....only to
wake up wide eyed and not tired at all after 3am ! I did not sleep one
eyeful between 3am - 7am, but at the same time I felt so drained that I
couldn't bring myself to get out of bed yet. I then managed to nod off
for almost two hours, and finally got up at 9am. Had reserved the
laundry room for two hours between ten and noon, so I've just now
finished doing laundry......and feel like I have a hangover due to lack
of sleep. Yay. So we'll see if I start this week with an actual rest
day, or if I'll feel like going out for a walk in the afternoon. Right
now I'm on Twitter following the Oscar Pistorius trial live from
Meditation: I hope to sit down and quiet my mind once a
day. The thing with meditation is though that it's not supposed to be
about "trying" to do anything......it's even not "supposed to be"
anything, per se -- I know it sounds bizarre, but if you've read about
meditation, you know what I mean.
If it starts to feel like a burden or
something you "have to do", it's best not to attempt it at all. I'm
hoping to find a softer way to approach it; I enjoyed meditating so much
last year, but then I began looking at it as just another task...and
that was the beginning of the end. Maybe better luck this time, who