Saturday, April 26, 2014

New blog - uusi blogi

Hello. My name is Zella and I'm a blogaholic. 

Please feel free to join me in my new space HERE 


Eli juu, uusi blogi pyörähti käyntiin alta aikayksikön, tarinointi jatkuu nyt kaksikielisenä TÄÄLLÄ

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Leaving Planet Zella

Would you believe it if I told you that I have just backed off from an opportunity to move to Australia for a year ?

I can't believe it myself - but I guess this shows that no matter how desperately I want to leave Finland, I have learned something about consequences. This opportunity looked and sounded perfect in theory, but unfortunately there were some major risks involved -- such as facing serious trouble at the immigration on arrival, even possible immediate return to my own personal nightmare, which would be to return to Finland, either right away or even after one year, completely against my own desire...and having to start again here with nothing, from zero. I would obviously have to give away my apartment, and as I don't have any money for storage and such, I would have to also sell and/or give away all my worldly possessions. I really do not care at all about material possessions and would gladly give away the clothes off my back for a life in Australia - but not if there's even a 2% danger that my move would be temporary and I'd find myself back in Helsinki, sooner or later, without a place to go.

It's ironic in a way; I'm so independent and ready to go, and I hardly ever miss having relatives or family members present in my every day life -- but in instances like this, when it would be so much easier to leave if I'd know I would have a safety net to return to...the fact is I have none, and so, this time I am not prepared or emotionally strong enough to do the whole "buy one fork per month" home making again should I've had to return to Finland after getting settled in Australia. And still...Australia, goddamit ! The Universe sure has a sick sense of humor, I'll tell ya that.

This doesn't mean I'm giving up on my dream to leave Finland, oh no ! I've just come to realize that even if I am in theory ready and willing to work as a nanny or a housekeeper, it would have to be in a country where I can legally remain for years -- and thus, find "real" work after a while, or straight away when crossing that border. I have no idea why my urge is to live in countries where the immigration is so tough: USA, Australia, New Zealand, Canada.
I also am/was interested in working and living in Switzerland...but guess what ? They have now imposed major limits for workers coming from European countries as well -- just a couple of months ago ! Unbelievable.

Having said all this, I have sent several job applications out this week again, and the majority of them abroad. I can't give up, I won't give up, it's who I am. These boots are made for walking.

I am, however, leaving Planet Zella today. I feel this blog has seen and heard enough about my sometimes aimless wanderlust and failed attempts to go here and there...and in my current life there just aren't enough exciting or interesting things going on to write about. I don't enjoy this so called ordinary life, so my blog posts are likely to get more and more bitter if I indeed end up staying in Finland. Also, some time away from blogging might bring about new ideas to write about. I do enjoy writing and think that I will return to blogging one way or another, sooner or later. I will, in that case, come and link my new blog address here on PZ for those who might still want to read my ramblings.

I am so grateful to everyone who has ever found their way to these pages - thank you so much ! I wish you all well, and even though I'm not blogging myself anymore, I will keep on logging in and reading all the tens and tens of amazing blogs I follow.

Over and out with love always Z

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Floating, Waiting

My operation on Tuesday went well, and despite of slight discomfort and the occasional rise in temperature I'm doing fine. Time will tell whether or not this operation improved my overall hellish period, but if it turns out it didn't, I got the impression that I'll be accepted as a potential candidate for a complete hysterectomy - which, to be honest, I would've wanted to have now already...but in Finland you have to fight tooth and nail to get it, even when it is evident you're no longer planning (or able) to get pregnant. So frustrating !

In other news: I'm still talking with my "faraway family" about the possibility of me moving abroad for one year....and quite surprisingly things do not seem so gloomy after all. I would even go as far as to say that this opportunity now appears more possible than impossible...but I've still got a few hurdles to get through before I can say it's all systems go. Super nervous and excited and terrified - that'd be me right now. 
Did I really promise not to stress about anything just six days ago ? Hmm...

With that - toodles and enjoy the week ahead !

Monday, March 24, 2014


As always on my birthday, I feel wonderful today. 

Woohoo, I'm 46 !

I feel gratitude and faith in the Universe. I feel like I'm just going to surrender all my current dilemmas and worries, just release them out to the sky like those beautiful Chinese lanterns and watch them become smaller and smaller until they disappear completely.

Why not try and feel this way every day of the year ? Okay, maybe it's a tad unrealistic to say every day of the year...but, ya know, just make a more of an effort...

It is so clearly just a decision that I am able to make instead of dwelling in what ifs and fears of things not going the right way. Maybe from here on, on my 47th year on this Earth, I will just....let it go. I'm not the most stressing or dwelling type to begin with - but I do tend to go into these periods of super worrying, even if it's just for a day or two, and that's never constructive nor does it really make any difference on the outcome of whatever I worry why not really make an effort to become more mindful and chilled and present this year. Hey, effort is better than no effort !

I know the sky lanterns are not good for the nature...but aren't they beautiful to watch ?

Oh, and P.S. ---->

Friday, March 21, 2014

Don't Stop Trying

I have cried this week - a lot.

I'm sure it's partly because of the oh so lovely hormonal roller coaster I'm on (post-period seems to be bad these days too), but mostly I believe it is because I so badly want to leave Finland and it seems I just can't find a way to do it.

Honestly, right now, I hate Finland and I feel completely caged in here.

Last year I got my hopes up about a possibility to move to Dubai - I felt happier than I had felt in ages whilst planning my move and waiting for more information...but that opportunity, as it turned out, was not a realistic one after all, and it crashed and burned before it really even took off. This year, during these past couple of weeks, I have been in talks with a family far, far away about the possibility of me moving to live with them as a helper. I feel like I've gotten to know this family already via e-mails and video clips - and the whole scenario just feels so right somehow; I believe we would be a perfect fit, and for me, a person living with no family ties, it feels even more tempting and wonderful to imagine what my life could be like if I could make this move....But, alas, it now seems that this alternative is impossible too because of Visa restrictions. I could, of course, just pick up and leave, give away my rental apartment and sell my stuff - but there's a significant risk of being denied access at the border of this foreign am I willing to take that chance ? What would my plan B be in that case ?

It is somewhat startling to notice though how I instantly cheer up when I make these plans - versus the possible scenario that I would actually land a normal nine-to-five job here in Finland. The thought of going back to that usual rat race makes me feel really, really down -- even though I realize I couldn't turn down a job if I was offered one... It just feels like alright, back to square one, life change failed big time -- and with that comes the fear that this was my last chance to change my life into something more meaningful and more enjoyable....that if I miss this chance now, I will be forever chained to a desk here in Finland and might as well lay down and wait to die.

It is not the absolute truth though, is it. I found the below photo on LinkedIn today....and it was a nice reminder of people who accomplished life changing ideas and opportunities when they were well into their fifties and even sixties. One should never think that it is too late to change your life...I just have a hard time believing this personally as I feel I want to change my life NOW in order to have many decades to enjoy that new life too.

With this in mind I've just sent an application to Nurse School here in Helsinki. Heck, it might be that I won't even be accepted, but that's up to fate then. Nurses always have work, and nurses are needed around the world... If I become a nurse at 50 (the studies last 3,5 years if I'd be accepted - and part of those studies and traineeships could be done abroad), I'd still have 10-15 years of working life ahead of me -- and I could possibly find legal ways to work abroad. Just an option to consider if none of my current wild plans come alive eh !

Hope your weekend is lovely and you feel content with where you are.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Tuesday Thoughts

You could say I'm living like this at the moment, and even though it can make me feel frustrated at times, there is also a certain freedom and excitement in it. Not knowing what will be, just waiting to see which baits will bite.

Also, incredibly good news about my operative hysteroscopy: while I had to cancel my operation for tomorrow, I was given a new appointment for next Tuesday ! Yay, I can't believe I'm having this done after being in the queue for nearly four months -- not to mention the pain and nuisance of the past year and a half. Truly hoping that the operation will take away my troubles. I was so sick again yesterday and the day before that the thought of going pain free in the future sounds like magic !

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Random Schmandom

  • I caved in with Facebook and logged in. I did, however, stay away for a full month so I guess that's something considering my 3D social network is pretty much non-existing. I don't know if I gained anything by taking this break, it doesn't feel like that anyway - it's been just zero less communication with people for me during the last month.
  • March has been the warmest in 50 years here in Southern Finland...earlier this week the temps were in lower 50's (+13C) with no snow and the sea free of ice....Saturday morning we woke up to a blanket of snow, and apparently there's more to come in the next few days ! Charming !
  • I love Sundays and Mondays these days. When I was working, I had severe "Sunday-angst" and often felt crushed on Mondays...but now I love Sundays in a bizarre twist of expecting the Monday that follows....but it is not because I have no work, it is because I fully expect something to come up during the week (like, an invitation to a job interview) that starts with Monday.... I don't know if this makes sense in the way I'm describing it though. Anyway, nothing really comes up during the week, it seems, so I guess it doesn't really matter to me what day it is.
  • Yet another family has contacted me with interest to hire me as their nanny; this time from Canada. I wish the world had more open borders for those who would have a willing employer --- it seems the countries I would love to work in all have strict restrictions for who is eligible for Visa and who isn't. Hey, Powers To Be: the Earth is our mutual playground, why not relax the system a little bit !

  • MH370, anyone ? How freaky is the disappearence of that plane ? Like where can you possibly land a Boeing 777 and not have the whole country wake up ? And yeah, I realize it is kind of ironic I mention this plane right after hoping for open borders globally, haha !
  • I want to chop my hair off and put highlights in it. I haven't been able to go to a hairdresser's now for 7-8 months and my hair is getting waaaay too long. Like I don't think it's a good look for a 40+ chick to have your hair reaching your bum, eh. Well, I'm not there yet but it's soon down to my mid-back and I could do with shoulder-length. Luckily a friend as promised to grab the scissors next time we see each other -- unless of course I'll just do it before that myself.

  • I don't know where my exercise-mojo is. Anyone seen it ??

  • I got a call from the hospital on Friday. I'm in a queue for a minor surgery, have been since early December (that's public health care for you). I won't go into graphic, bloody details, but lets just say Aunty Flo visits me twice a month these days and last month the bitch stayed for nearly three weeks - so they have decided to cut out some benign polyps or whatever they are called. The call on Friday was to inquire whether I was able to accept a surgery date (someone else's cancelled appointment) for next Wednesday....and I said YES PLEASE, but guess who is now visiting, two days late and so quite likely making it impossible to operate on me come Wednesday. Yeah, Aunty Flo, with all her mighty..and then some. I guess I'll wait another four months for the next available surgery appointment.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

On My Way (Nowhere ?)

Lately I've had more and more of those moments of despair when it comes to finding a job. This is only natural, of course, when one has been unemployed for over a year now....and as I wrote in my previous post about this issue HERE, I've been trying to venture outside of my comfort zone and keep my eyes more open for completely new paths.

I've basically decided to believe that whatever may come my way, I will embrace and welcome with open arms - even if it scares me to death and might turn my life upside down once again.

This week I've been approached by two families about possible nanny-jobs abroad. I know -- OMG, eeeek !! One family is in Europe, the other one on the other side of the world. We've only just started talking, so nothing has been decided and even suggested at this point. I'm far too familiar with how people can just disappear online - so I'm not writing about this to say anything concrete is actually happening.....but just to make a point of how different paths really can appear if you open your mind. I guess it'll only take the right moment and the right kind of connection for stuff like this to come alive.

Where I am now: a few job applications pending...and the idea of nannying abroad becoming a stronger option than before in that I'm actually now seriously considering it, should I find a good match.

Whichever comes true first.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Life Goes On

It is 16 years today since the day my mother committed suicide.

Writing that sentence, reading it again - turning it around, tasting it, feeling it..... it all seems surreal somehow at this point. The same as with my brother's suicide, these tragedies at some point just become part of who you are - always there in the background, popping up at unexpected moments, appearing in many different emotions - but not affecting your everyday life anymore, not glued to your conscious existence twenty-four hours a day.

I would say love and forgiveness prevail after some time has passed, and I am grateful for this. The memories are good in most part, and those hysterical crying fits become lesser and fewer in between - although when they do come, it is quite surprising how all encompassing they can be after all this time. You move on though; quicker than in the early days - you don't dwell anymore. One could say it is comical even, how you may find yourself in the midst of a tear filled emotional storm one moment, and the next thing you know you've sneezed in your napkin and are making coffee in the kitchen, planning on your afternoon walk. The moment has passed.
And life goes on.
Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep - Mary Elizabeth Frye (adaptation)

Monday, March 3, 2014

Along Came March

And with March came some horrid weather, yuk ! It has been snowing for two days and the skies are gray - where did you go, spring, it all seemed so lovely on Saturday !

As I mentioned earlier, my theme for March is Mind & Body. Mind = meditation, and Body = getting back on my exercise routine.

In practice this means that I will resume my 5-6 days a week workouts, ideally doing 3 x gym, 3 x runs, 5 x yoga and/or stretching each week --- and because I walk to my gym and back, that'll add 6 x 20 minute walks per week. One or two days rest depending on how I feel, and if I'm exhausted at any point (this can happen in the beginning when I start from scratch), I can substitute one workout day with a walk of 1+ hour. Sometimes I suffer from insomnia, and that brings a twist into my plans on occasion too; if you are familiar with poor sleep, you know how terrible the following day can be after you've stayed awake much of the previous night. A walk in the fresh air might be okay, even an easy jog...but personally, I have no strength for gym or long runs on days like those. Today is a good example; last night I thought I'd be proactive and actually took a sleeping aid around 10:30pm so that I could get up really early for gym. Went straight to bed, was knocked out within 30-40 minutes.....only to wake up wide eyed and not tired at all after 3am ! I did not sleep one eyeful between 3am - 7am, but at the same time I felt so drained that I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed yet. I then managed to nod off for almost two hours, and finally got up at 9am. Had reserved the laundry room for two hours between ten and noon, so I've just now finished doing laundry......and feel like I have a hangover due to lack of sleep. Yay. So we'll see if I start this week with an actual rest day, or if I'll feel like going out for a walk in the afternoon. Right now I'm on Twitter following the Oscar Pistorius trial live from Pretoria.

Meditation: I hope to sit down and quiet my mind once a day. The thing with meditation is though that it's not supposed to be about "trying" to do's even not "supposed to be" anything, per se -- I know it sounds bizarre, but if you've read about meditation, you know what I mean. 

If it starts to feel like a burden or something you "have to do", it's best not to attempt it at all. I'm hoping to find a softer way to approach it; I enjoyed meditating so much last year, but then I began looking at it as just another task...and that was the beginning of the end. Maybe better luck this time, who knows.

Kalo Mina - Happy March friends !