Bliss !

When will somebody invent "summer in a bottle" ??

Every single year around this time I feel SO good, SO alive and like anything can happen -- and it is simply just because the temperatures are rising and the nature is blossoming.  Why, oh why, can I not recreate this feeling in the midst of the dark winter !

Yesterday as I was walking home from the grocery store in the early evening, it was eerily quiet in my neighborhood (probably because everyone was indoors watching that important hockey game, eh). All I could hear was the birds sing -- and man, we have a lot of birds in this area by the sea ! Sounded like it was a also a group of many different birds, and as the evening was uncharacteristically warm and humid, the kind you normally don't experience here until late summer, I had this strange sensation as if I was walking in a jungle ! A bit distracting, sure, that I was surrounded by apartment buildings among the trees and the screaming birds, yes -- but it sounded and smelled like a green, humid jungle.

I felt this very strong sense of happiness in that moment, and simultaneously a huge desperation as a thought came to me: what can I do and where can I go so that I would have this all year around ?

Throwing this thought out to the Universe. Maybe I'll think of something in due time.

Random Schmandom

Oops, it seems I am neglecting Planet Zella a little bit at the moment due to my concentration on my other blog....who said women can multitask ? Well, I can of course....just not overly bothered about this right now.

So just a few random slices here for those who might wonder:

• still unemployed, and still kind of enjoying my freedom....there are moments here and there, of course, when I suddenly feel the unexplainable urge to, like, have a desk....or a company phone...or coworkers to chat with. Most of the time though, imma just chillin' and workin' my body 
  
• so re. body -> yes, my project for a healthier life is going pretty smoothly, and I've taught myself to enjoy such apparently healthy and protein rich foods things as quark with strawberries -- and I've always hated quark ! I'm working out at the gym, I'm walking around town, running...and sleeping. How much is too much sleep, I ask ? I will gladly take it all !
  
• it occurred to me that I never re-visited the subject of drinking (alcohol) after my somewhat anxious post back in early December, when I downed a pint of cider in a club after having not drank in almost four years. Current drinker status ? Drinker. Must say though that ever since that first pint in December I've had a drink maybe three or four times, and only one or two glasses at a time. No drunkenness, no hangovers, no stress. Not saying this cannot change if I suddenly hop on a party wagon, but somehow it doesn't seem likely right now.....this is not something I spend my days thinking of, if ever
  
• even though I'm not blogging that much on here anymore, I do read all your blogs - you know who you are - and will keep on doing so....apologies if I haven't been commenting much lately !
  and of course: I am so happy that the summer is just around the corner ! I think I can go out running with a short sleeved shirt in just about couple of days....sure sign of summer, eh ? 

 See you soon, take care !
 

Walking home from my gym last night

Scent Of Freedom

I had a job interview yesterday and as insane as this sounds -- and as much as I know I shouldn't say this out loud -- I'm feeling kind of torn about it...... Obviously I don't even know if I'll get the job, so this speculation could be all in vain -- but during the last two or three weeks after all the financial drama has settled (soooo grateful for the Finnish benefits to unemployed people) and I know I'm sort of fine for a while even without a job.....I have totally let myself enjoy my time off the rat race.  There's no way around it: I am loving it !

I've started working out again. I feel just utterly in peace with myself. I sleep like a baby, and wake up usually before 8am. I thoroughly enjoy my slow breakfast whilst browsing the news. I love checking out my gym page online, planning what I'll do each day in terms of exercise -- sometimes I work out twice a day.  I love that moment when I come back home after a run or a gym session, and I put the oven on for my chicken and veggies, then take a shower and afterwards enjoy my lunch....sometimes in silence, sometimes while watching TV.  I love it when the afternoon sun beams to my living room through the blinds, playing on the hardwood floor, and sometimes I take a nap, sleeping in that sunshine.  Sometimes I walk outside, by the sea, and stop for while on the rocks, just to stare at the water and watch the seagulls fly around, or the cruise vessels sail by, or the wind surfers doing their thing. Just a few weeks ago the sea was still frozen here and there; now the ice is gone and you can smell the sea air so clearly. You can hear the pine trees in the wind, and this morning I actually woke up to birds singing outside.

 

I find myself smiling a lot. Just to myself, yeah -- like an idiot, haha. I find myself smiling at people whom I come across during my walks, even if not all of them smile back (hey, this is Finland after all).  Oftentimes, in the midst of doing something mundane such as washing the dishes, or writing an e-mail or a blog post, I pause -- and just sort of realize, in that moment, that I actually feel happy, I feel such peace. This feeling is not different from those times when I have been on four or five weeks of summer vacation -- this is just like some natural state where there is no stress, there are no schedules unless I make some....and it simply feels wonderful.

And you begin to think.....what a shame it is that not all weeks and months and years cannot be like this.  For sure I will return to work, there's no question about it...but if I had a choice, would I ?  

After eight weeks of freedom, all that feels so distant and so...insignificant.  I've felt for a long time with the jobs that I've had that they were giving me nothing, that they did not mean anything to me -- and that I cannot stand sitting by a desk eight hours a day, five days a week, doing something that is completely meaningless to me. Of course I don't know how bored or isolated I might become should I remain jobless for months and months to come, but by judging how I feel right now, I'm inclined to believe that I would just throw myself more and more into working out and reading & writing, and that I would be enjoying myself fully. I also suspect that when you have enough time to yourself, an opportunity to quiet down and search your soul, so to speak - you might just find out what it is you want to do with your life.

But surely, one must work - right ?  The financial benefits won't run forever, and who wants the stigma and judgment of living on benefits continuously anyway (if there's an alternative and you're not unable to work due to health issues etc.). And yes, I do want this job, because it would be an okay-ish job and the people would be nice.  And if I won't get this particular job, I'm sure I'll get another one, at some point. And, life goes on.

I'm left with this uneasy feeling though.....life seems like such waste when you're "just working" -- meaning;  when you work at a job that is not something you truly love.  It's quite a daunting thought to be at this age and realize you don't even know what your dream job would be;  my only goal in life has been to move back to the U.S. and the rest is just not important.....but now, with another green card lottery miss -and the news that they are planning to quit the lottery altogether after next year-  I guess I should figure out what it is I really want to do.....unless I'm prepared to waste the rest of my life living for the weekends and vacations only, doing a job that I'm merely doing to pay my rent and put food on the table.

 

 

Project Me, Myself And I

For those who may wander to these pages and happen to understand Finnish.... I have started a new blog with....a purpose.

Maybe it's because I am currently out of work and bored to death, maybe it's just because I feel it is now or never....but I think now is the time to finally stick to that damn workout routine, all the while trying to take a more positive outlook on life as well. I've gone back and forth pretty much my whole life from being athletic and fit, and back to overweight and unhappy again.....and I figured, how about I do this project publicly, for a full year:  one year should be enough to get a new life style really stick....and boy, I would be too embarrassed to first publish such project and then back off. I think publicity helps you with accountability, even if there's just one or two people rooting for you.

Hence, my new blog follows my efforts during one year, 52 weeks -- and the project officially starts May 1st.  I have began posting a little bit already.

So, if y'all Finns & Finnish speaking folks who might read this at some point and want to cheer me with my efforts, you can find the blog HERE.

For non-Finnish speakers;  I could of course make the new blog bilingual and write it in English in part...but honestly, my impression is that even though I have close to 30 registered readers on Planet Zella and the daily traffic is sometimes pretty high, not many people follow this blog frequently so the new blog will probably have a small audience as well...and therefore, the lazy git that I am, I'll stick to one language at least for now :)

I will, however, continue blogging on Planet Zella too; maybe a little less than during my busiest times, but still... See you around !

You Are Beautiful

Purpose

I don't really feel that I have the right to write about my current state of emptiness and the quiet bubble of solitude I live in ever since I quit my job.....this is all my own doing and so it would be hilariously hypocritical to whine about it.  And whine about it I shall not....because, in all honesty, part of me finds this kind of existence fascinating somehow;  long, quiet days and nights in your own company sure as hell make you think about your life, your choices, your nature and the reasons behind your behavior....learning curve for sure.

I still believe I will find a job soon (famous last words ?) so I am not entirely given up. I have, after some consideration, even expanded my job search now to United Kingdom where I once lived for a few years. Two or three pending applications also here in my neck of the woods...and I think one in Australia :)   Excitement lifts its eager head from time to time when I wonder which job will take, where I'll find myself next. Also, with some good news tentatively about modest financial benefits while unemployed have cheered my spirits a little bit...as if to suggest that perhaps I can concentrate now on getting out more instead of anxiously worrying about whether I can pay the rent next month.

Purpose is a funny thing. It doesn't have to be something magnificent. Purpose can be just an everyday job that makes you get out of bed each morning so that you will have some form of social network, some form of human contact. Purpose can be a daily trip to the gym, a walk outside so that you will feel alive moving your body, breathing fresh air...and even exchanging a few words with some kind person you meet randomly. 

Purpose, when it is missing, becomes a curious thing. I'm not sure this blog serves a purpose anymore. I'd like to have a blog with purpose, a theme, some kind of red string that makes sense. I feel I have been just rambling for a long time, and rambling makes you bored. I have an idea for a new blog, but it's still brewing....and if I will go ahead with it, it is likely to be written in Finnish. I don't know yet though. I feel I am considering a lot of things currently, and when those everyday things fall into place (hopefully) again, I will see where I'm headed, blog- and otherwise.

For now, I shall enjoy the sound of the rain outside....a very welcome singsong after the winter !

 

Today's (Physical) Inspiration

Not that your physical appearance is everything......but my hat is off to Marc Jacobs, who not only left drugs and boozing to his past, he also started taking care of himself and it shows.

On the left, he's 38 -- on the right, he's 50.   Yes, five-zero !

And yes...he is clearly posing in that beach photo -- but I forgive him: he's gay, he's gorgeous and he's proud. I would be too.

Photos from Daily Mail

What About Reeva ?

Some weeks ago I wrote a blog post about the horrific death of Reeva Steenkamp who was shot dead by her boyfriend, the globally known paralympian Oscar Pistorius, in the early hours of Valentine's Day.  You can read my post here if you wish.

Since then, even though I still believe -or want to believe- that Pistorius indeed killed his girlfriend accidentally and it was not a premeditated murder (which he is tentatively accused of while out on bail now waiting for his trial later on this year), I am feeling increasingly uneasy about how it seems the media is just...all about Oscar...  Oscar was seen on track running, Oscar is still traumatized, Oscar's bail conditions have been relaxed, Oscar this and Oscar that...

Excuse me, but what about Reeva ??

I was guilty myself in the instant aftermath of this tragedy to mostly concentrate on how horrible it must be for Oscar to have killed someone he loved....I mean, I knew of him before, and had formed an opinion of him that didn't really allow me to rationally accept the fact that he would've intentionally killed someone. I had no idea who this Reeva Steenkamp was until I heard she was dead. 

And now ?  I don't really want to hear about Oscar anymore, not see one headline, not read one sentence...at least not until the trial --- I want to hear about Reeva ! I realize it's ridiculous because I never knew her, neither of them -- but this is one of these things I guess...a sad story that has captioned my heart....and even though my heart is breaking for everyone involved, I feel worse and worse now for Reeva's family and friends -- those poor people lost the light of their lives, all this only seven weeks ago -- and the media is all about Oscar.  His agent and his family are giving out statements, every online publication is writing a non-story or three every day.  It makes me wonder where all the respect is, all sensitivity towards the Steenkamps, and those people who were close to Reeva ?

I felt compelled all of a sudden to learn something about Reeva, to know little details about her, to hear how she lived her life, what her likes and dislikes where when she was growing up. I almost felt like this was my responsibility as if not to overlook the fact that no matter how famous the man who pulled the trigger is, the life of this woman still mattered more -- and she shouldn't be forgotten in all this media frenzy.  These days, as it is so easy to take a peak in people's lives through Twitter and Instagram, I have, of course had the opportunity to learn something about Reeva from her friends:  she is constantly being described as an angel on Earth, someone who was incredibly nice and sweet, a woman whose laughter could light up the whole world. She was smart and compassionate, she was stunning --- she seems to have been one of those rare women whose inner beauty matched that of the outside...nobody has a bad word to say about her. Everybody is crushed by her loss.

Via Twitter Reeva Steenkamp

I didn't find Reeva's life story anywhere online, nor did I come across a bio that would have been solely about her (as opposed to containing the details of her tragic death and again, linking her to Oscar) I did find something that I want to share here though....it is an untouched draft of Reeva's speech that she wrote herself and was supposed to deliver in a local school on Valentine's Day -- the very day she never lived to see. She was giving out speeches to empower women, to fight violence and rape, to help others overcome difficulties she was no stranger to herself.

Doesn't she seem lovely ? I think it would have been an honor to know her, and no matter how ridiculous it is for me, a complete stranger in some faraway country to post this.....I am doing so for Reeva's memory, and who knows, maybe, in some way this will help in keeping her light shining indefinitely....

NOTES FOR VALENTINE'S DAY SPEECH REEVA STEENKAMP NEVER MADE (from Daily Mail)

Below are the rough notes Miss Steenkamp made for the speech at Sandown High School, a co-educational government school in Johannesburg. They are reproduced exactly as she wrote them.
'PE' stands for Port Elizabeth, the town on South Africa's south coast where Miss Steenkamp grew up, while 'Jozi' is South Africa's commercial capital Johannesburg. VD:Valentine's Day

Who received flowers/chocolates/cards/messages/tweets/etc today (February 14) for Valentine's Day?

Tell them what I received, make a small joke about this. And then tell them that receiving those things is very special but not receiving anything doesn't define you as a person or make you less valued!!!


1. I was raised on a small farm just outside of Cape Town. In a way I was blessed and privileged to be away from the pressures of city life and I grew up to appreciate the simpler things above the superficial.


2. I will chat about life on the farm, having no money but being blessed with amazing parents who never allowed me to be aware of my circumstances. Some 'looking back now' points somewhere after this would fit in.


3. After moving to PE and deciding to study Law despite our financial situation, I worked hard to be acknowledged as one of the top 15 per cent academics at university so that my studies could be 80% covered by bursaries and I worked to pay off the rest.


4. I broke my back towards the end of varsity. Learnt mobility again and made a massive life decision with regards to my career. I will elaborate on this part of my journey.


5. I was in an abusive relationship at the same time (his mother used to abuse him) and all together these factors encouraged my move to Jozi.


6. Despite my height disadvantage and the difficulty in general of breaking into the modeling industry, I put my head down and worked hard towards my dream.


7. I lost a lot of self worth during my last year in PE before I moved to Jozi and it took some serious soul searching to remind myself of my value in this world.


8. Being loved by others, although an amazing feeling to have the appreciation of others, does not define your place in the world.


9. Accept who you are. Acknowledge your absolute 'CAN DOS' in life and work on your 'MAYBES' so that you can be a better person for the ultimate upliftment of those around you.


10. No matter how many people say that they 'love' you, if you do not love your person then you will never step outside of the physical you. The physical you can only do so much if your mental you is lost inside of all the confusion.


11. Be brave. Always see the positive. Make your voice heard. Your physical seen. And the presence of your mental you felt. Its that culmination of your person that will leave a legacy and uplift.


12. I hope that you have the most amazing VD and that you are spoilt with love and roses and chocolates. Go home and tell your parents, siblings, neighbours that they are appreciated. You will go to bed with a happy heart and open mind for the future

Getty Images.  RIP Beautiful.

Dem Apples

 * Book Review: Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson - No spoilers included


So, I finished reading the biography of Steve Jobs a little while ago -- I think it took me four or five days nights to read through the 500+ pages.  I usually grabbed the book when I climbed into my bed around ten, eleven pm.....and kept on reading till the early hours as I was unable to put the book down once I started reading. You know that feeling when you are reading a book and you fear the moment when it will end...yet, you want to read one more chapter before you put it down ? Yeah.

Before reading the book I thought I admired Jobs --- but in all honesty, I didn't know much about him.  I was somewhat familiar of his Apple-history in general - I knew he started the company from scratch with Steve Wozniak in a garage.....and that at one point he was fired, then taken back......but I wasn't aware of any details of how all this unfolded from the beginning and to his passing in 2011.  I was also always keen on quoting his wonderfully inspiring legendary thoughts and imagined him as this kind, wise man who must have been an amazing person to know and to work with.
 
Ermm..not quite so, eh ?

I don't want to spoil the book for anyone who might accidentally stumble across these pages and hasn't read it -- but I will say this: the book is a fascinating read.

Walter Isaacson wrote the book because Jobs asked him to do so, and Isaacson pretty much had the freedom to talk with anyone he wanted -- Steve's friends, coworkers, business partners, family members, relatives -- from 20, 30 years ago till the present moment (in 2011, before Jobs passed away).  Jobs didn't interfere, and he didn't -surprisingly so- give Isaacson much direction, or should I say restrictions, about what could and could not be written. The book is honest -- it doesn't sugarcoat anything.  It draws a picture of a very complex man, who was simultaneously surprisingly sensitive -- and a complete asshole. A genius and a visionary yes, but also painfully rude and condescending, to the point where you have to wonder whether he was mentally unstable.

With over 500 pages, the book obviously is also a story about Apple (and Pixar, and NeXT) as much as it is about Jobs.  I was surprised myself how much I enjoyed reading about everything....even the tech talk about how some of the products were visioned, created, tested and finally launched; this gave me a whole new meaning and, dare I say, some kind of emotional connection to Apple --- I see an iPhone now, and it's not just a phone because I know what went into making it, and why it has certain functions or whatnot...and I know the whole story now behind Apple -- which, of course, isn't just about Jobs, but also about Wozniak and many, many other people.

More than anything though, I will admit I enjoyed learning about Jobs.  And while he certainly doesn't appear to be the kind of person anyone should admire or idolize because of his obvious shortcomings personality wise.....I cannot deny that he did what we all should do:  find your passion, and dedicate your life to living for that passion.  There's a part of me that was somewhat shaken by this book for this very reason -- it made me look at my own life, and I was left feeling pretty flat:  I don't even know what my passions are anymore, if I ever did.  Not everyone needs to be a genius and change the world, but if I could take one thing from this book it would be the effort to find my passions and try to change my life so that it will make a difference...to me.

So yeah, I would definitely recommend this book to anyone regardless of what they think about Steve Jobs or Apple;  it's a well written biography, warts and all --- and not once will you have the feeling that it isn't honest. Probably just the way Jobs would have liked it.

Bring It On, April !

Kalo Mina ! Another new month starts...and, with it, another clean slate !

I was actually thisclose to writing a gloomy, depressed and anxious post this morning about how I feel overwhelmed and scared of the prospect of not finding a job and therefore ending up homeless in couple of months.....but then I put on my winter sneakers and went for a walk outside, and turned my mood around with the help of some fresh air (yeah, still tons of snow) and some rays (nope, the sun isn't really warming us yet).

Now I'm parked on the couch with my butt, just ate some mud cake and vanilla ice cream -- and decided that April is going to be fabulous ! Bring it on ! And....if it turns out not so fabulous;  if I indeed end up homeless  -- I will survive that too.

I still have no regrets about leaving my job in February -- but of course I realize I could have planned it better (save some money, hello ?). However, I already had one job interview last week and it was amazing. I know I would've bagged the job had the salary level not been so considerably lower than what mine happens to be. It's a shame that the recruiting agency chose to mislead me with that -- but nevertheless, it was an enjoyable experience and who knows what might come out of it in the future.  Besides, I have couple of other applications pending so keeping my fingers crossed for those ! 

Mmmm...sometimes you need a treat (not my pic)

Funny thing about being without work and hence living without structured schedule:  not my cup of tea bowl of ice cream. When you're working, you dream about all the things  you would do if you had the freedom to do whatever, whenever.  I clearly remember about two months ago walking outside one weekend, looking around me in the nature, thinking gosh...if I could just do this all day long, days in and out, and not have to go to work.... Errmm --- yeah, that's not actually what happens when you DO have all the time in the world in your hands. In my case, maybe for two weeks or so I was really giddy and jumping out of joy and hitting the pavement and the gym with that glorious feeling of freeeedoooom.....but of course, when you have nothing to look forward to -- and in my case specifically, as I haven't had anything but  work in my life for so long ---- your joy in your newly found freedom sort of starts deteriorating pretty rapidly. Surprise !!   The thing with me is, I've done this once before and so I knew to expect this funky period.....hence I'm not as down about it as I was two years ago when I was going through the same thing.  Back then I found a new job in about seven weeks -- and I'm counting on it happening again this time. 

It's been only four weeks by now so I'm confident.....as per my new favorite slogan:  All Shall Be Well.

I sound convincing, right ?? 

Have a blessed April y'all !